Adult Etiquette 102: Intro to Being The Ultimate Wedding Guest
I’m just here to celebrate love while enjoying this open bar to be real honest
Over the past few years my social calendar has consisted of traveling to various parts of US celebrating weddings. From weddings that have been entire weekends of celebration to having to travel to two states for two different weddings in one weekend I have done a bit of everything. At this point I am what you call “a seasoned wedding guest.” Ultimately is has been an amazing experience to not only witness my close friends love and be loved loudly but also to realize that they think enough of me to be there to for their day and of course partake in the turn up.
Having been a guest a number of times and also having friends that attend a large number of weddings as well means I’ve not only heard a multitude of sins committed by guests but also have also saw them with my own eyes. In the same fashion as Adult Etiquette 101 that was written off the social experiences (but really frustrations) of myself and others I thought it was time to bring it back around again as fall wedding seasons kicks off to give the scoop on the do’s and dont’s that come along with that special invite.
THE RSVP
One of the first things that goes through a lot of our minds when we get the save the date and/or the official wedding invitation is a feeling of joy and gratitude. A soft sigh exits your mouth ultimately signaling that it indeed is going to be lit. You then start marking down dates, setting any necessary travel notifications to grab your flight and planning what you are going to wear to make sure you get those ‘fits off. (Or this could just be me but I doubt it. I know you by now)
You should always make sure that you RSVP to the wedding as soon as possible so that one, you don’t forget, and two, let the bride and groom know if you can or can’t come in case they have additional guests that they would like to invite if there is room. The same applies for any reason that you can not make it in advance after you have RSVPd or last minute let them know, and in my opinion still send a gift. Don’t beg for an RSVP then not show up (this is a true story)
Pay attention to the information on the card or invite labeled how many seats are reserved for you and/or your plus one. You should never, by any means, EVER cross out that number and write in a plus one or two or three. This is not a kickback and you don’t get to “hey fam, is it cool if my cousin comes?” your way into another seat. This also does not mean, nor is limited to, showing up with a plus one, sending information to people that you know weren’t invited and/or guilt tripping the bride and groom into coming to the wedding just because you’ve been in a Groupme with them. (also, another true story)) I don’t make the rules, I just tell you how life works.
ATTIRE
Every wedding that I have attended has had a dress code except for those that have happened in my family. As I write this I had the epiphany that wedding invites are sent through text messages and games of telephone. I actually recall my dad going from golf straight to my cousin’s wedding and not changing his clothes due to it being in a barn and not wanting to get a suit of his dirty. Just know…this will never be me so please keep me and any future wedding that I may have in your prayers.
You should always go with what you feel comfortable in as long as it falls into the attire requested by the bride and groom. Keep in mind that it isn’t your day so no need to run and get anything similar to a bridesmaids or bridal gown. If it isn’t clear, reach out to a bridesmaid or similar to ask what is the expected choice for guest. I am always willing to die on this hill that as an invitee you nor should your plus one should ever show up in white or any color adjacent unless it is requested in the invite. We know Black people love all white and this does not exclude some weddings. White also includes adjacent colors such as pale silver, light gold, light pastels, off white, cream, off beige and the list goes on. You aren’t living life on the edge or being trendy by tip toeing on this line. If not wearing white to someone’s wedding really kills you do us all a favor and watch from the gram at home. Again, I don’t make the rules but feel free to debate your aunt who still thinks OJ is innocent.
GIFTING
The years of bringing gifts are over as more and more couples do on-line registries for gifts and honeyfunds for their honeymoon. Weddings can get costly with travel, attire and more especially if it is a destination wedding. It is customary that no matter the location that one does give a gift. One of my coworkers is going to a wedding and the bride and groom are not only paying for everyone’s rooms that start out at $795 per night but also specifically did not register for gifts and requested gifts don’t bring one. This is not the case for the majority of us so best bet, give a gift. One of the things I do is use the app Digit to set goals for weddings to include flight, hotel, and the gift. It makes it easy take out money little by little and put away to cover all the expenses. I do the same thing for travel, random large purchases I want to make and gifting myself items. If you are unsure of what/and how much to give you can also use Wedding Envelope that calculates your gift amount off of salary, travel, type of wedding, relationship to the bride/groom and more. Also consider gifting experiences or memberships to museums or other places that have residual gratification. If you see larger gifts on their registry, considering going in with a few friends on something. Ultimately give what you can. If attending is wedding is also out of your budget but you were invited, still consider gifting a token of good luck if your budget allows.
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING
Unless it is an emergency, there is no reason to contact the bride or groom the day leading up to the wedding. I am even of the belief that the week of, any information that you need that you can’t find on their website, reach out to someone in the bridal party. Make sure you are on time to the wedding. Things do happen and typically weddings don’t ever start on time, but that doesn’t mean you should be arriving during the I dos. (another true story) Avoid nagging or complaining about decor or food, or mentioning “what you would of done”. Find the nearest immediate seat in an exit row if this is you. If you have dietary requirements make sure they are handled prior to the wedding and communicated clearly. Due to the buffet that my friends had at their wedding consisting of traditional NOLA eats, I couldn’t eat much due to my shellfish allergy. However, I knew DoorDash was a thing and ordered food for myself closer to the end of the reception before we got on the trolley. You find the opportunity and you get the solution to make it work. Again, it’s not about you.
What is about you is showing up as your best self and enjoying the day. Not only have you been invited, but the bride and groom have also spent money to pay for your seat (literally), your food, and drink. Relish in the fact that you are there, with them, celebrating a major blessing. And besides, the cutie at the bar is probably peeping you. Let the wedding mix forever live.
