Adult Etiquette 103: The Millennial Mentor
People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die
Plato
Last Saturday I was one of 700K people who tuned in to catch the latest edition of the Verzuz battle on Instagram Live. Our platonic Aunties Jilly from Philly and Erykah blessed us with three hours of uninterrupted music. We yelled out in joy over hearing songs that compose the soundtrack of our lives. The rhetoric of Nikki Giovanni laced with black incense floated over WiFI directly into our homes. I’m not sure if was because I needed to do it or my own Pavlovian conditioning that I rose up from my couch and started cleaning. We witnessed the dismantling of a battle but humility and support for people who held the other in high regard. During one of the Shea butter lathered exchanges Jill gave thanks to Erykah for giving her a chance when she didn’t have to. At the age of 27, she wrote her first song and is what may be considered one of the most iconic songs of that genre: “You Got Me.” Erykah’s response was simple but struck many of us. She simply said, “But I had to.” Erykah knew because of her position, she bore the responsibility of holding her hand out to facilitate for another Black woman to be successful. It was a moment.
As quickly as we saw the unity between women forge, Insecure’s newest episode shed light on how quickly that can take a turn. Twitter was a cesspool of scenarios, opinions and 280-character limit think pieces. Who knew the wobble wouldn’t fix months of passive-aggressive exchanges and the lack of communication between a broken friendship? Yvonne Orj’s feed was filled with people dragging her re Molly for being a horrible friend and not wanting Issa to really see success.
Although we watched Verzuz battle occurred in real time and the fizzle of Molly and Issa in a fictional show with a thirty-minute time slot that we all agree should be longer, both unknowingly laid the foundation for a conversation that is beyond due between that of Black women. For context if you are not on Black Twitter you may have missed the deep sigh we collectively let out this week. A well-known lifestyle blogger posted a brief email exchange between herself and a woman who was seeking for a mentor. What the young woman was not seeking was the opportunity to be embarrassed or to be used for validation.
Ironically also on the blogger’s site is the sentence “helping people excites me” with the sentence at the expense of others written in invisible iPhone ink. The usual Twitter dragged me so here is an apology was issued for the lack of decorum followed by an Instagram Live discussion which led to engagement because people who agreed, disagreed, or possibly never heard of her before this time tuned it. Grandiose doors opened to parades of many women who have been haunted by memories of awful interactions with other Black women when it came asking for a mentor or even just asking for help. We tend to enter the inboxes of those who we aspire to be like or receive information from starting out apologetic for bothering the person or not being strange for the fear of being scolded. There were intense threads listing out the disgust over $300 webinars and “empowerment brunches” that truly offer no real information.
Facts are that in and outside of pandemic, many of us are busy with work, busy healing or just realizing the necessity of being selfish with ourselves. To be very clear, I am not saying anyone is is entitled to your time or talents. However, if you are making your six figure courses off the back of the community you say that you serve, kindness can go a long way. If you have been helped or if you had to learn the majority of things you know through grit why not choose to be person that pays it forward by helping someone else or simply being the person you wish that was there to help you along the way?
Most of us are not generating courses or webinars however we do have talents that present loudly to others. Our gifts truly aren’t for ourselves, but to tell a walking testimony of what God has done for us. I can also admit that I’ve gotten less than favorable messages from people asking me (and at times demanding) for help that I was unclear on or didn’t seem like aligned well for what they needed. Frankly, sometimes I just don’t have time (please see above statement of busy with work, busy healing and being selfish) but I do understand I have a responsibility of someone who has both had help and had to figure out a number of things a long the way. We ultimately don’t know what we don’t know.
Below are a few tips for those who are getting requests for a mentor as well as those who have been approached that I have learned along the way. I have also included a workbook full of templates for sending an email asking for help or to “pick ones brain” If you need a little bit of help with saying no, I’ve also included a few templates to help you decline in a friendly matter as well
Mentor
Can you commit to making space for take this task on? To fill others, you have to be in the position to pour from.
Is the advice/leadership this person seeking aligned to where you currently are or have been?
Can you communicate your needs as far as boundaries/time limits with another person?
If you are unable to mentor a person at this time, can you answer 1-2 questions for them to help guide them? If you know someone that is taking mentees, can you make the connection?
You have to be willing to leave your comfort zone as well as be aware that you may not know anything.
Listening takes more skill then advising
Saying no to being a mentor is OK. Choosing to not help because you had to work hard for it so other people should too is not.
What shared goals can you set up with this person?
This is an email I have sent previously when the request for mentorship occurs
“Thank you for not only reaching out, but also thinking of me to be your mentor. I am flattered that you would consider trusting me with such an important role in your life. At this time I am unable to take on any additional peer mentorships, however if you have 1-2 questions that are top of mind for you feel free to send them my way and I can dedicate some time in the next few days to provide you with detailed answers or other resources that I believe would be helpful
Mentee
If you are looking to just simply ask someone a question or tow, do your due diligence and research first. Make them specific and clear. Utilize the blogs/podcasts, and other info they have published.
Look for the common ground that you and your mentor share. What is the connection between the two that would lead to a good mentorship. Are you philosophies and outlook on life similar? A true mentor-mentee relationship can not be forced.
Is this a person who will challenge you to think and act differently in a way that will be positive to your life?
What are your expectations of having a mentor? You need to be able to clearly communicate that to the person you are asking.
Expertise doesn’t always equate to years or time spent. Don’t be afraid to ask someone who is only a few steps ahead of you or sometimes right next to you but successful in their career to act as a peer mentor.
Ask a person that you can speak to about things in privacy and trust. Often conversation with mentors float outside of the professional realm.
Be thankful for the advice that someone would have to offer for you and show gratitude. It doesn’t have to be monetary. If you do have a skill that would help your potential mentor out, don’t be afraid to offer it if you can take it on.
